“I going to punch you in the face,” she shouted at the elf before grabbing him violently and bopping him on the nose.
At the Ballantyne house we had slightly misunderstood the concept of “Elf on the Shelf”. We thought that our job was to stop the elf doing naughty things and report back to Santa at the end of the advent period. But apparently the elf is actually watching the children. Any bad behaviour and he grasses them up to Santa who redistributes their gifts to more worthy infants.
I can’t believe I missed such an excellent opportunity to get them to behave. What a fool. However if I change it now I will have to return all of Georgie’s gifts. You see her treatment of the naughty little elf has been bad enough that not only would Santa refuse to give her any gifts he would probably take his evidence to the police and have her serve a prison sentence for assault. Continue reading “Santa’s Little Helper”
Jim spent the afternoon hitting on Elsa who was having none of it.
Jim the travelling bear came home from nursery this week and immediately started to bully the other toys. He picked on the biggest soft toy first to establish dominance knocking rabbit out cold with a headbutt. With rabbit out of the way Jim told Lucy the dog that she had to carry him around “I don’t do walking,” he said. “Now take me downstairs you bitch,” and Lucy did as she was told – because she is voice activated.
“What the fuck is this?” Jim moaned as G tried to give him some smoked salmon. “Put some lemon on it for God’s sake,” he said shaking his head in disbelief before running off to the bathroom for his morning poo.
He spent the afternoon hitting on Elsa who was having none of it. “If you touch me again I’ll freeze your furry little heart and nail it to the wall,” she hissed. “I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.”
“I’ll have sex with you,” Anna whispered into his ear. She quite liked his macho ways but little did she realise that nosy Peppa Pig had overheard and immediately grassed her up to her big sister. “Stop being such a slag Anna. I can’t protect you forever,” Elsa shouted and then zapped Jim straight in the balls with frozen magic.
Jim was out cold for the rest of the day. His temporary owners kindly placed him in front of the radiator to defrost.
Later that day Jim took himself away to the tree house to reflect on what had happened. He decided that he didn’t want to be a bully any more so he wrote the toys a letter.
*Jim has now been returned to nursery where we gave them a more child friendly account of his adventures. To those who have yet to experience the travelling bear have fun – and keep a close eye on him