“I going to punch you in the face,” she shouted at the elf before grabbing him violently and bopping him on the nose.
At the Ballantyne house we had slightly misunderstood the concept of “Elf on the Shelf”. We thought that our job was to stop the elf doing naughty things and report back to Santa at the end of the advent period. But apparently the elf is actually watching the children. Any bad behaviour and he grasses them up to Santa who redistributes their gifts to more worthy infants.
I can’t believe I missed such an excellent opportunity to get them to behave. What a fool. However if I change it now I will have to return all of Georgie’s gifts. You see her treatment of the naughty little elf has been bad enough that not only would Santa refuse to give her any gifts he would probably take his evidence to the police and have her serve a prison sentence for assault. Continue reading “Santa’s Little Helper”
The week before Christmas has been an absolute killer. There is so much happening for the kids at school – and so much to remember that I have lists all over the bloody house. And I only have two kids. This tells me I am clearly not capable of having three. Norm will be delighted. Anyway here is a little poem about the last week of term.
The week before Christmas
It was the week before Christmas, when all through the school
Mothers were frazzled and silly jumpers were cool
Notes were stuffed into school bags with haste
That said “tomorrow bring tinsel or biscuits or cakes”
*
But the parents wouldn’t see this until 8:29
“My friend has got biscuits Mum where are mine?”
“Shit” said the mother, out loud in the car
“Mum that’s a swear word, put a pound in the jar”
*
Fuck the jar, said the Mum (but just in her head)
And drove back to the garage where she’d just stopped for bread
Buying the biscuits she handed them to the kids
Who wait till she’s driving then open the lids
*
“Don’t eat them you animals,” she yelled into their lair
They both roar with laughter spraying crumbs in her hair
Pulling up to school they all run in late
At least there are spaces to park near the gate
*
Driving to work Mum starts to feel better
Because she had remembered EVERYTHING from the nativity letters
She even made the costumes, it took her all night.
“I hate my costume, you made me wear tights”
*
“Everyone laughed, you must hate me Mum”
He doesn’t know how many times she stabbed her own thumb
Making angels or shepherds or stars or wise men
“You look amazing,” says Mum “Ignore them”
*
The costume was amazing. But where is it now?
The play is in an hour and it’s not in the house
“I think it’s at school,” says child number one
Grabbing the car keys Mum starts to run
*
But no one can find it. The costume has vanished
The boy starts to cry but there is no need to panic
Mum kept some spares so they call off the search
With seconds to spare they head to the church
*
That night when the children were snuggled in bed
Mum checks her emails to see what they said
The festive requirements make Mum start to sob
There is only one solution – to give up her job
*
Tuesday go to nursery with mince pies for a party
Wednesday is the fun run and the toddler’s nativity
No uniform Thursday (with shoes that are sturdy)
Christmas jumpers on Friday then pick them up early
*
Then the week before Christmas will come to an end
Thank God for wine, a reliable friend
Well done to all parents who shared in this plight
My 6 year old son’s Christmas list is less of a list and more of a challenge. Does anyone know where I might be able to find a rock from the moon? Seriously.
Christmas list
Puppy (Never again. I’d rather die )
The connex big thing (I asked him what this is – “Santa knows” he said. Balls.)
Arsenal home kit socks (just the socks! hahahaha)
Football (because the 16 he already has are just not enough)
MK Dons red kit (Their kit is white. Arrrggghhhh)
A wild spider (Ha. Not a chance)
Chompling (Say what?)
Zomling (These are £1 in Tesco. Excellent)
Dresses for Nana, Mummy, Charlotte and Georgie (Nana’s name was written first. I think he loves her best today)
3D pens (See number 7)
A rock from the moon (more likely than getting a puppy)
Squashy dough (This won’t be saltdough that we can make or play dough that we can buy anywhere. It will be some specific generic stinking bright green chemical shit that is sold through phone in adverts on kids TV. Like the stuff we got him last year that is now welded to the carpet in his room. Just no)
Nintendo DS whatever has Mariocart 7 (he has been asking for this for 2 years and I have refused thus far for fear of him leaving this world and living in virtual reality)
As for the rock from the moon he doesn’t think this is unrealistic. “Santa goes right past it” he said. Maybe I should tell him the truth.
My 6 year old son’s Christmas list is less of a list and more of a challenge. Does anyone know where I might be able to find a rock from the moon? Seriously.
Mum's Modulus 