This post is a tribute to my friend Caroline who will give birth any day now, and to the thousands of other pregnant women who are being told to “get lots of sleep and enjoy the peace and quiet”.
This could possibly be the most annoying advice in the world. Along with “just breathe” when you are in labour and “write a birth plan” which we all know means write out a fantasy about what you think giving birth is like and then later pity the poor naïve version of yourself that existed before you nearly died (OK you probably didn’t nearly die but I bet you felt like you were, or wished you were when those horrific contractions hit – especially if you had the dreaded syntocin drip).
But I digress. The fact that there is no baby crying does not mean that you are getting 9 hours sleep when you are massively pregnant because:
a) you have to pee seven times a night
b) your other children need you. You have been pregnant for so long everyone is just bored of it and the husband has stopped being helpful so you get up with the kids in the night even though it takes 10 minutes to roll yourself upright
c) it is easier to fit into a pair of size 8 jeans (impossible before pregnancy) than it is to find a comfortable sleeping position. Lie flat and you can say hello to stomach acid and reflux. Sit up and the baby’s feet will bash into your ribs hard enough to make you yell.
d) your husband snores really loudly. How did you not know this until now?
e) you want to meet your baby so much, so much that it makes you cry, in fact just about everything makes you cry
f) Braxton Hicks contractions start again filling you with hope that this is it. And then they stop. Bastards.
And if you are in any doubt that the last few weeks are tough this was week 39. I went to week 42. I am surprised I made it. I am more surprised that Norm made it. His deep insensitivity coupled with my fragile state of mind was a terrible combination.
So good luck Caroline. I’ll be gritting my teeth for you. Not that you need it being the double hard bitch that you are.